Posts Tagged With: Pain

I Dreamed of Yeshua

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I’m never one to remember my dreams. In fact most mornings when I wake up, by the time I walk to the bathroom, whatever I had dreamed is already gone. But last night I dreamed of Yeshua.

2016 has started off really rough. My job is demanding technically, legally, emotionally and spiritually; most days I even drag myself home physically exhausted because all of my other capacities have been run dry. Since January, all Hell has broken loose at the housing properties and my office team (who are very supportive of each other) have been struggling with morale issues because everyone is under attack in some way. I’ve also been struggling personally with the patrilineal burdens I’ve inherited from the men in my life who have come before me. My struggles with personal identity, value and success (or lack thereof) have been loud and ugly…and it’s all the arguments going on inside.

Needless to say I’ve been fighting off or hiding from depression for the last couple of weeks. I can play at it for a while, being strong for everyone else, but I finally asked yesterday: “Who’s being strong for me?” Once that question was out of the box, there was no putting it back. And I fell to pieces.

I prayed. I pleaded for God to show a way forward. To allow me to answer a greater call. I demanded for Him to acknowledge and answer my dreams that have been laid in their grave.

What I didn’t know was that my wife was desperately praying for me at the same time. She pleaded with Jesus to meet me, somehow.

And then last night I fell asleep.

***

I found myself in a great white stone palace in a large room. The stone was almost like crystal, but even that description can’t do it justice. It felt very Greek, but was timeless.

The large room I found myself in was dark, backlit with blue and green light and there was a blue mist winding around the black tile floor.

I held a sword in my hand and knew at once I was under attack. The things coming at me were everywhere and they looked like rotting corpses, like zombies. Some were missing limbs but they could talk and were saying all kinds of horrible things. They were demonic, and they looked exhausted because they weren’t able to put up much of a fight when I began to fight back with my sword. Yet all the same I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of them.

It was then I realized that someone else arrived and was helping me to fight them back. By the time the battle was almost over, my ally had easily slain most of the horde. I remained fighting one enemy, the captain. My ally did not intervene, but let me finish the fight as I cut off its appendages until it simply laid upon the floor unable to move.

“You’re done,” I said as I turned to walk away.

The demonic captain looked up at me with his gruesome face and exposed eyeballs and spoke: “Just do it already.”

So I cut off his head. I then realized I was covered in greasy guts. I turned to look at my ally, my helper.
He stepped out of the shadows and I immediately knew his face and I spoke his name in my heart: YESHUA. It was the name his mother would have called him. I knew him and I knew he knew me. Yet all I could utter from my lips was: “I’m a mess.”

Then Yeshua smiled; he was kind and spoke: “You ordered the Greece.”

I knew it was a joke, a play on words about the battle we had just come through, and yet there had to be a deeper meaning, a puzzle to solve. He helped me, but he didn’t do it for me. I had guts on me and the sword in my hand to prove that I had done battle in the heavenly realm alongside Yeshua my Messiah, against my enemies.

***

I woke up amazed, pondering the meaning of what he said and I’m still not sure but there are some clues in my life and the things I’ve been working on in my writing that might yet prove true.

My wife is a big time dreamer; she remembers her every dream each morning. And sometimes they are spiritually significant. This was the first time I had ever had a spiritually significant dream and I relayed it to my wife.

When I finished, she asked about the meaning of Yeshua’s words. I told her I wasn’t sure.

Then she asked: “What about Greek warriors, are they tough?”

I immediately could see scenes from the movie 300 in my mind with King Leonidas fighting with his fellow Spartan brothers against the hordes of invading Persian troops. I told her that historically the Spartans were among the toughest, hardest soldiers ever bred for war.
She then told me about how she pleaded with Jesus to meet me in my dark time of struggle. My wife is certain that who showed up was Jesus/Yeshua as his hardest, warrior self to help fight against the forces of darkness coming against me personally. Yet during the whole battle, I never doubted his love.

There are still so many pieces to put together regarding this dream. As for what he said to me: “You ordered the Greece.” I think it will take time to reveal the meaning, but perhaps some of the interlinear work I’ve been doing in the bible may be the key to unlocking my way forward.

Categories: Interlinear, On Faith, On Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Questions

If relationship is what you desire,
Then why do you hide,
Where did you go?

If you’re word is your bond,
Then why do you tarry,
Or make a promise?

If you know my heart,
Then why do you hurt me,
and ignore my dreams?

Why is it always with you,
Love is black and blue?

Categories: Poetry | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

The Golden Pocket – part 3

Golden Pocket cover 30%

I found myself on the same stretch of forest road I had left some time before. We had not moved at all. Turning about, I could see the front door was one and the same as the golden carriage door. The driver remained on duty up top and the pale horses stood as still as statues. He followed through and joined me on the road in the wood.

Nearby bellowed a desperate roar. The sound of anguish and anger hollering through the trees threw me into a shudder. I looked at the man in green, his arrogant smile ever upon me. Tilting his head, he indicated I should follow. I considered running but getting far enough away would be impossible. I was content to acquiesce…for the moment.

A short span away we came to the tree I had hidden beneath when he found me. He reached down and picked up the lone item left among the cedar’s bulging roots: the knife I’d taken from my father’s house.

I now knew to expect the worst. My mind fluttered with the images of the other desperate women who died in this wood. Their pale, delicate frames splayed upon the bedding of the tiny, sloughed cedar branches littering the forest floor. It seemed my turn had come.

Instead, he walked onward. I followed him into a clearing where before us was an enormous brown bear. Roaring at us in his pain, I could see the fear leaking through the hulking animal’s eyes. His front paw was snared in a massive, iron, toothy trap cutting through flesh to the bone.

The man looked at me now, holding up the knife. “The second option is before you. Should you so choose, you will wander the world for seven years with no home to call your own. You cannot bathe, trim your nails or cut your hair. Yet you will want for nothing,” he said and took off his beautiful green coat, placing it around my shoulders. “In any pocket of this coat you will find gold in continual supply. Every time you reach into the pocket, it will be there for you.”

His gaze never wavered from mine. While watching him warily, my hand slipped into the outer pocket and retrieved a handful of gold coins. I did the same with the other pocket and found the same result.

His mouth now widened into a wolfish grin. Again he held up my knife and ran the blade down his palm, running his own blood along the knife’s edge. Then holding up his palm, as if to display a magic trick, he showed me the cut quickly healing itself. It was as if he declared: I am immortal. Then he took the knife and sank it with ease to the hilt in the nearest cedar, and as easily as cutting soft cheese, he cut around the circumference of the tree. With a single finger he pushed, and it fell crashing through the forest.

The man walked over to the bear and before the sad animal knew what had happened, he dealt a swift incision to the bear’s neck. The beast bled out and collapsed into a final rest. With a quickness of hand and skill I had never yet seen, the man skinned the hulking carcass in a matter of minutes. Then taking the pelt, he shook it out, like when I would clean the rugs of father’s house. The bear’s pelt transformed into a large, brown, furry cape and cowl that he now latched around my shoulders.

“You will sleep every night in this bearskin for the next seven years. Should you die in this time, you will lose this challenge…and belong to me. Are we agreed?”

I stood fixed to the spot. Words refused to escape my lips as my tongue quit cooperating.

“Are we agreed, Athena?”

My eyes met his again and tumbled into their hypnotic azure void. I gave a single nod and affirmed with a single word.

“Good,” he said with a jovial tone and began to walk back toward the road before stopping and turning. “One last thing.” He held up the knife, which had now turned to gold in his hand, and gave it back to me. “For your protection.”

He turned once more and I followed him to the road. Climbing inside the carriage, he faced me once more to say: “You have gold aplenty but your time runs short. Spend both wisely.”

The driver atop cracked his whip. The pale horses reared and lunged forward. They all disappeared in a crackle and peal of blue light.

Although I’m certain he kept his watchful blue eyes upon me, I never saw that man again for seven years.

~

Golden Pocket: Kindle Ebook

Categories: Fiction | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Brokenness…Leading to Intimacy?

The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalm 34:18

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here but the truth is that I’ve been going through a process of breaking, and I’ve needed to take the time to experience it.  It’s hard.  Many times I’m emotionally incontinent and prone to tears.

Truth be told, there is much that is either cracking, been broken already, or has been divinely taken away.

As it turns out, my new job is anything but a good or easy fit.  From the moment I walk through the door to the time I leave, it’s a constant barrage of demands from either the corporate leadership or from frustrated residents.  So far I’ve dealt with multiple threats of lawsuits from residents over petty issues (everyone seems to have a lawyer), evictions and then helping the residents prevent evictions, and a multitude of complaints about noisy yet necessary deferred maintenance construction.  It seems there’s very little time to breathe or even get my real work done.  I also found out through our open enrollment that we cannot afford the cost of the benefits through work.  And then last week Caity and I found out that our main commuter car will need to go to that junkyard in the sky.  And at times I have to ask myself “why”?  What could possibly be the good, divine purpose to spiral my wife and me into what appears to be more pain and loss?

It seems that everything about our circumstances right now are designed to break us entirely.  And it’s working…but not in the way toward depression, only in the way toward dependence.  Dependence upon God.

Just like human relationships, crises and brokenness can either drive people apart or bind them even closer together.  The trick of it all, however, is that the choice belongs to the people involved.  When Caity and I have found ourselves broken before each other, we draw close and give comfort to the other.  The same is true of a relationship with God.  If we truly desire awesome intimacy with the Creator and Savior, then we must be willing to be shattered and surrender to the process of being broken.  It’s painful and necessary, and ultimately it’s our own choice to allow it to foster intimacy; to learn how to depend whole heartedly with every feature of our being upon the King of the Universe.

Another dirty little secret of the sanctified life is that brokenness will continue to happen throughout in big and little ways.  It is because our broken pieces are gathered together and mortared one upon the other with God’s grace until a firm foundation of a sanctification emerges.  We must surrender to this uneasy and painful process in order that everything that we are and everything we have will be transformed into the best that we can become.  It’s not the circumstances that matter so much to God, but our heart conditions.  God can change circumstances with the flip of coin, but our hearts will only change when we surrender everything we hold on to so tightly.

I’ve decided that I will not fight my breaking process.  I will accept it…with joy…in the knowledge that God is bringing me into a deeper level of intimacy.  He desires Oneness, and now so do I.  Perhaps He may find some use for me yet.

If you are currently being broken, it’s alright to cry out in pain.  I would also encourage you to accept it as an honor, for you have been chosen to be brought deeper into relationship with the King of the Universe.

SOLI DEO GLORIA!

Categories: On Faith, On Life | Tags: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

It’s Like Pulling Teeth

For those of you who are parents, you will fully understand what I am about to say: My children are the truest reflections of myself and the most blunt of teachers upon issues regarding my character.

So earlier this week, our daughter Sophia was getting ready to lose another tooth.  It was REALLY loose, hanging on by a thread and sticking out like a snaggle-tooth.  She was excited, but every time Caity or I would ask to help get it out–Sophia would turn into a wild animal, batting away our advances with her paws and extended claws.  Caity and I chuckled about it whenever it happened and we were ultimately content to let it be.

Then arrived this last Monday morning.  I was at work when I received a text photo of Sophia grinning with a new gap in her teeth and the attached message from Caity hinted that a struggle occurred to achieve the result.  When I was able to speak with my wife, I got the full story.

Caity had been sitting with Sophia and asking about the loose tooth and Sophia was willing to show it to her with a grin, but every time my wife tried to reach out and touch it, Sophia flipped out!  So Caity decided not to let it go but wanted to press in upon the issue of resistance.  Why was Sophia fighting losing this tooth?  Why was she so adamantly resistant?  This wasn’t her first tooth lost.  It was puzzling.  As it turned out, it was all about Sophia’s fear, mostly the fear about the pain of pulling the tooth.

Once Caity was able to talk her through the issue, she was able to gain trust and then reach out and take out the loose baby tooth.  It didn’t take much, just a tiny tug, and then Sophia had a wad of tissue in her mouth to dab the tiny blood flow…along with a big grin.  Afterward, Caity asked her how she felt and Sophia indicated that she was over-the-moon-happy.  Then when my wife asked her how long the pain lasted, she held up two fingers–the pain lasted all of two seconds.  It was over before it even started.

Later on when Caity and I were able to talk about these momentous events in Sophia’s life, we both immediately recognized the relevance in our life together.  This has indeed been a ridiculously busy summer filled with growing pains and revelations; it’s been a cause for both tears and joy.  Yet ultimately it’s been good to grow and be reminded that almost all good growth comes with some kind of pain.  The pain of loosing a baby tooth is short-lived compared to the joy of knowing and watching a new adult tooth come to replace it.

Personally and spiritually the growth pattern is similar.  We as people can see the light and understand the truth of it, but we don’t actively change until we feel the heat; it creates cause to give up whatever it is that we’ve been holding onto with clenched fists.  It’s only when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change that we will choose change.  However, once the path of change is chosen and actively pursued, the pain becomes a distant memory.  It was over before it even started.

Then the joy of new growth takes over.

SED EGO DIGREDIENDUM

Categories: On Faith, On Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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