Posts Tagged With: God
I’m never one to remember my dreams. In fact most mornings when I wake up, by the time I walk to the bathroom, whatever I had dreamed is already gone. But last night I dreamed of Yeshua.
2016 has started off really rough. My job is demanding technically, legally, emotionally and spiritually; most days I even drag myself home physically exhausted because all of my other capacities have been run dry. Since January, all Hell has broken loose at the housing properties and my office team (who are very supportive of each other) have been struggling with morale issues because everyone is under attack in some way. I’ve also been struggling personally with the patrilineal burdens I’ve inherited from the men in my life who have come before me. My struggles with personal identity, value and success (or lack thereof) have been loud and ugly…and it’s all the arguments going on inside.
Needless to say I’ve been fighting off or hiding from depression for the last couple of weeks. I can play at it for a while, being strong for everyone else, but I finally asked yesterday: “Who’s being strong for me?” Once that question was out of the box, there was no putting it back. And I fell to pieces.
I prayed. I pleaded for God to show a way forward. To allow me to answer a greater call. I demanded for Him to acknowledge and answer my dreams that have been laid in their grave.
What I didn’t know was that my wife was desperately praying for me at the same time. She pleaded with Jesus to meet me, somehow.
And then last night I fell asleep.
I found myself in a great white stone palace in a large room. The stone was almost like crystal, but even that description can’t do it justice. It felt very Greek, but was timeless.
The large room I found myself in was dark, backlit with blue and green light and there was a blue mist winding around the black tile floor.
I held a sword in my hand and knew at once I was under attack. The things coming at me were everywhere and they looked like rotting corpses, like zombies. Some were missing limbs but they could talk and were saying all kinds of horrible things. They were demonic, and they looked exhausted because they weren’t able to put up much of a fight when I began to fight back with my sword. Yet all the same I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of them.
It was then I realized that someone else arrived and was helping me to fight them back. By the time the battle was almost over, my ally had easily slain most of the horde. I remained fighting one enemy, the captain. My ally did not intervene, but let me finish the fight as I cut off its appendages until it simply laid upon the floor unable to move.
“You’re done,” I said as I turned to walk away.
The demonic captain looked up at me with his gruesome face and exposed eyeballs and spoke: “Just do it already.”
So I cut off his head. I then realized I was covered in greasy guts. I turned to look at my ally, my helper.
He stepped out of the shadows and I immediately knew his face and I spoke his name in my heart: YESHUA. It was the name his mother would have called him. I knew him and I knew he knew me. Yet all I could utter from my lips was: “I’m a mess.”
Then Yeshua smiled; he was kind and spoke: “You ordered the Greece.”
I knew it was a joke, a play on words about the battle we had just come through, and yet there had to be a deeper meaning, a puzzle to solve. He helped me, but he didn’t do it for me. I had guts on me and the sword in my hand to prove that I had done battle in the heavenly realm alongside Yeshua my Messiah, against my enemies.
I woke up amazed, pondering the meaning of what he said and I’m still not sure but there are some clues in my life and the things I’ve been working on in my writing that might yet prove true.
My wife is a big time dreamer; she remembers her every dream each morning. And sometimes they are spiritually significant. This was the first time I had ever had a spiritually significant dream and I relayed it to my wife.
When I finished, she asked about the meaning of Yeshua’s words. I told her I wasn’t sure.
Then she asked: “What about Greek warriors, are they tough?”
I immediately could see scenes from the movie 300 in my mind with King Leonidas fighting with his fellow Spartan brothers against the hordes of invading Persian troops. I told her that historically the Spartans were among the toughest, hardest soldiers ever bred for war.
She then told me about how she pleaded with Jesus to meet me in my dark time of struggle. My wife is certain that who showed up was Jesus/Yeshua as his hardest, warrior self to help fight against the forces of darkness coming against me personally. Yet during the whole battle, I never doubted his love.
There are still so many pieces to put together regarding this dream. As for what he said to me: “You ordered the Greece.” I think it will take time to reveal the meaning, but perhaps some of the interlinear work I’ve been doing in the bible may be the key to unlocking my way forward.
Interlinear Text Download: Psalm 73
Apologies for the radio silence over the last year. God has been very much so at work in our lives doing some new things and He asked me to lay down writing fiction (for now). So far, we’ve moved north to Bellingham and I’m working for the Bellingham/Whatcom County Housing Authority, providing housing for the elderly, disabled, and families with low incomes. I’m truly blessed to be serving in such a meaningful way. Our family has settled very well and we are all able to finally BREATHE.
I’ve had questions from several friends lately, wondering if I’m still writing and what it is I’m doing…
Some of you may know that I’ve been studying Hebrew for the last few years. It is a truly beautiful language and my heart grows continually as I discover new insights and wisdom while immersed in the Tanach (Old Testament). In the last year I discovered the Psalms of Asaph (Psalms 50 & 73-83 are attributed to him). I’ve been touched by Asaph’s raw prayers, full of both anguish and praise.
I think of life on this side of eternity…filled with anguish and praise. There is so much pain in this life and yet there is also so much for which I have hope. I don’t hope to be rich. I don’t hope to be powerful. I don’t hope to have a mansion, or a large following, or even to be happy.
I hope for completion…something which cannot happen in this life, but my relationship with my Creator assures me of it when He returns or chooses to bring me home.
In any case, I have been using the Psalms as a guide to learn how to pray and give praise. As in all things when it comes to God, it’s always about the relationship.
Attached is my attempt at an interlinear study starting with Psalm 73. I hope to complete all of the Psalms of Asaph and collect them in to a volume. But for now I’m happy to share this with you.
Sidebar: if any of you readers out there happen to be acquainted with Hebrew and spot a need for correction, don’t hesitate to reach out to me through the contact page.
“Even the darkest night will end, and the sun will rise.” ~Victor Hugo
This week will be a big week. Not only will my grandfather’s funeral be on this Thursday, February 20th, but it will also mark 40 days since our home was flooded and we have been displaced as a family.
Home flood? Yes that’s right. Our home was flooded on January 11th, as I woke up to walking on wet carpet at around 2:00am. Currently our home is unlivable as the floors, ceilings and walls have been torn apart. The source of the flood seemed to stem from our clothes washer, which is located on the second floor, so when it leaked everything got hit. Our insurance placed us in a hotel for a month and then recently transferred us last week into an apartment, which doesn’t bode well as it tells me that these repairs are going to take a lot of time.
Many tears have been shed as frustrations continue to mount. Caity and I recognize that so many things have been systematically taken away from us in this last year. Currently we are without internet at our apartment, and so even being able to do something so simply as check email, write a blog post, or even apply for a new job have become that much more challenging. We finally recognize the reason for it all: we are being trained to trust and rely solely on Jesus Christ and his provision and direction for our lives.
Then this last week I received the news that my grandfather, Donald Patten, was not doing well and certain to be on his way into the arms of Jesus. I hadn’t seen grandpa in quite some time. Truth be told, he had been mentally absent for quite some time due to alzheimer’s and so visiting him just seemed burdensome. Then to place on top of that some of the hard feelings I had carried over the years toward him for certain scars made it even more difficult. It wasn’t until I walked into his room, and I could see how fragile he’d become, withered to bones, that my heart melted and I was reminded how fragile we all are. I sat next to his bed and I did the unexpected…I asked for his forgiveness for my anger toward him, and then I thanked him for the many, many things that he did well during his life. Grandpa taught me how to work hard, to believe in my creativity, and he imparted a strong spiritual heritage to his children and grandchildren.
And then on the morning of February 11th, grandpa passed away into glory.
It feels like we are in the center of a spiritual struggle. Every area of our lives feels pressed in upon. Emotionally. Physically. Financially. Relationally. Exhaustion is our regular state of existence. Yet as for Caity and me, it is our response that reveals the standing of our hearts. We are weary but we are willing to follow Jesus…no matter where He goes. He is the way, and will be the only way to guiding us through the dark paths of our current valley.
Caity and I have committed to do God’s will His way, however meandering the path. To stop complaining and submit to His authority in every circumstance will be our mark. To show up and do our daily tasks with a steadfast determination, no matter now humiliating, will be done only with the strength of Christ, who empowers us both to endure and do all things. Alone and on our own, we can do nothing and will remain stuck. Jesus Christ is calling out. He is saying “I am the way…”
SED EGO DIGREDIENDUM
The LORD is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. ~Psalm 34:18
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here but the truth is that I’ve been going through a process of breaking, and I’ve needed to take the time to experience it. It’s hard. Many times I’m emotionally incontinent and prone to tears.
Truth be told, there is much that is either cracking, been broken already, or has been divinely taken away.
As it turns out, my new job is anything but a good or easy fit. From the moment I walk through the door to the time I leave, it’s a constant barrage of demands from either the corporate leadership or from frustrated residents. So far I’ve dealt with multiple threats of lawsuits from residents over petty issues (everyone seems to have a lawyer), evictions and then helping the residents prevent evictions, and a multitude of complaints about noisy yet necessary deferred maintenance construction. It seems there’s very little time to breathe or even get my real work done. I also found out through our open enrollment that we cannot afford the cost of the benefits through work. And then last week Caity and I found out that our main commuter car will need to go to that junkyard in the sky. And at times I have to ask myself “why”? What could possibly be the good, divine purpose to spiral my wife and me into what appears to be more pain and loss?
It seems that everything about our circumstances right now are designed to break us entirely. And it’s working…but not in the way toward depression, only in the way toward dependence. Dependence upon God.
Just like human relationships, crises and brokenness can either drive people apart or bind them even closer together. The trick of it all, however, is that the choice belongs to the people involved. When Caity and I have found ourselves broken before each other, we draw close and give comfort to the other. The same is true of a relationship with God. If we truly desire awesome intimacy with the Creator and Savior, then we must be willing to be shattered and surrender to the process of being broken. It’s painful and necessary, and ultimately it’s our own choice to allow it to foster intimacy; to learn how to depend whole heartedly with every feature of our being upon the King of the Universe.
Another dirty little secret of the sanctified life is that brokenness will continue to happen throughout in big and little ways. It is because our broken pieces are gathered together and mortared one upon the other with God’s grace until a firm foundation of a sanctification emerges. We must surrender to this uneasy and painful process in order that everything that we are and everything we have will be transformed into the best that we can become. It’s not the circumstances that matter so much to God, but our heart conditions. God can change circumstances with the flip of coin, but our hearts will only change when we surrender everything we hold on to so tightly.
I’ve decided that I will not fight my breaking process. I will accept it…with joy…in the knowledge that God is bringing me into a deeper level of intimacy. He desires Oneness, and now so do I. Perhaps He may find some use for me yet.
If you are currently being broken, it’s alright to cry out in pain. I would also encourage you to accept it as an honor, for you have been chosen to be brought deeper into relationship with the King of the Universe.
SOLI DEO GLORIA!
This week was the first at my new job as property manager in Lake Forest Park, and I could not begin to tell you how stressful it was. There’s so much to learn and so many new reports to generate and numbers to crunch, all the while still answering the phone and/or talking to folks walking through the door seeking a place to live or submitting work orders. I’m the only staff for the office.
Beginning on Monday, I received a complaint from one of the residents who threatened legal action. Thankfully I was able to talk to him reasonably about the issue and find a solution that tied up all loose ends and he was happy. I was indeed overwhelmed.
On top of all that, it was a sick week at our house. All of the kids got the junk to varying degrees and finally Caity ended up not feeling well and had a moment of collapse that caused me to realize that I needed to be home on Friday to ensure everyone was taken care of. When I spoke to my new supervisor Valerie about it, she agreed I needed to be at home (thank you Valerie).
The point I was getting to is that I’ve been facing a lot of fear. Fear of new responsibility. Fear for the health of my family. Fear of being stuck in this new place. Fear of failure.
However, Caity and I get up every morning and read a chapter from the bible as well as whatever Oswald Chambers has to say in “My Utmost For His Highest”. We are continually amazed at how God uses these tools to speak directly into our hearts, overcoming our circumstances.
Currently we are reading in Isaiah, and this last Wednesday, November 13th, we read Isaiah 8. It was then we found this nugget:
Do not call conspiracy
everything this people calls a conspiracy;
do not fear what they fear,
and do not dread it.
The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy,
he is the one you are to fear,
he is the one you are to dread.
When Isaiah originally spoke these words, he was speaking to the people of Judah living under constant threat of invasion from their neighbors in the north. They lived in fear, but he told them that this fear is wrong. It is only healthy to fear the one living God; everything else is under his control anyway and we should not fear the details.
Then Caity and I also read the passage from “Utmost” dated for the same day:
All of our fears are sinful, and we create our own fears by refusing to nourish ourselves in our faith. How can anyone who is identified with Jesus Christ suffer from doubt or fear! Our lives should be an absolute hymn of praise resulting from perfect, irrepressible, triumphant belief.
~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His Highest, November 13
We all struggle with fear. Fear of war, economic collapse, terrorist attacks, climate change, or any of the myriad personal struggles that cause us to fear can rob us of our trust in God. God alone is the one we are to fear, and let everything else fall under his divine purview.
Overcoming fear with faith is the only way to unlock the shackles that hold us back. Faithfulness not fearfulness will strengthen any person willing to follow God through the dark valley. Only then are we set free to accomplish faithfulness in our daily duties to those whom we love and serve.
How do your fears cripple you? Are you willing to surrender them to God and fear him alone? Are you ready to be free?
SOLI DEO GLORIA!