Posts Tagged With: crises

I Dreamed of Yeshua

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I’m never one to remember my dreams. In fact most mornings when I wake up, by the time I walk to the bathroom, whatever I had dreamed is already gone. But last night I dreamed of Yeshua.

2016 has started off really rough. My job is demanding technically, legally, emotionally and spiritually; most days I even drag myself home physically exhausted because all of my other capacities have been run dry. Since January, all Hell has broken loose at the housing properties and my office team (who are very supportive of each other) have been struggling with morale issues because everyone is under attack in some way. I’ve also been struggling personally with the patrilineal burdens I’ve inherited from the men in my life who have come before me. My struggles with personal identity, value and success (or lack thereof) have been loud and ugly…and it’s all the arguments going on inside.

Needless to say I’ve been fighting off or hiding from depression for the last couple of weeks. I can play at it for a while, being strong for everyone else, but I finally asked yesterday: “Who’s being strong for me?” Once that question was out of the box, there was no putting it back. And I fell to pieces.

I prayed. I pleaded for God to show a way forward. To allow me to answer a greater call. I demanded for Him to acknowledge and answer my dreams that have been laid in their grave.

What I didn’t know was that my wife was desperately praying for me at the same time. She pleaded with Jesus to meet me, somehow.

And then last night I fell asleep.

***

I found myself in a great white stone palace in a large room. The stone was almost like crystal, but even that description can’t do it justice. It felt very Greek, but was timeless.

The large room I found myself in was dark, backlit with blue and green light and there was a blue mist winding around the black tile floor.

I held a sword in my hand and knew at once I was under attack. The things coming at me were everywhere and they looked like rotting corpses, like zombies. Some were missing limbs but they could talk and were saying all kinds of horrible things. They were demonic, and they looked exhausted because they weren’t able to put up much of a fight when I began to fight back with my sword. Yet all the same I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number of them.

It was then I realized that someone else arrived and was helping me to fight them back. By the time the battle was almost over, my ally had easily slain most of the horde. I remained fighting one enemy, the captain. My ally did not intervene, but let me finish the fight as I cut off its appendages until it simply laid upon the floor unable to move.

“You’re done,” I said as I turned to walk away.

The demonic captain looked up at me with his gruesome face and exposed eyeballs and spoke: “Just do it already.”

So I cut off his head. I then realized I was covered in greasy guts. I turned to look at my ally, my helper.
He stepped out of the shadows and I immediately knew his face and I spoke his name in my heart: YESHUA. It was the name his mother would have called him. I knew him and I knew he knew me. Yet all I could utter from my lips was: “I’m a mess.”

Then Yeshua smiled; he was kind and spoke: “You ordered the Greece.”

I knew it was a joke, a play on words about the battle we had just come through, and yet there had to be a deeper meaning, a puzzle to solve. He helped me, but he didn’t do it for me. I had guts on me and the sword in my hand to prove that I had done battle in the heavenly realm alongside Yeshua my Messiah, against my enemies.

***

I woke up amazed, pondering the meaning of what he said and I’m still not sure but there are some clues in my life and the things I’ve been working on in my writing that might yet prove true.

My wife is a big time dreamer; she remembers her every dream each morning. And sometimes they are spiritually significant. This was the first time I had ever had a spiritually significant dream and I relayed it to my wife.

When I finished, she asked about the meaning of Yeshua’s words. I told her I wasn’t sure.

Then she asked: “What about Greek warriors, are they tough?”

I immediately could see scenes from the movie 300 in my mind with King Leonidas fighting with his fellow Spartan brothers against the hordes of invading Persian troops. I told her that historically the Spartans were among the toughest, hardest soldiers ever bred for war.
She then told me about how she pleaded with Jesus to meet me in my dark time of struggle. My wife is certain that who showed up was Jesus/Yeshua as his hardest, warrior self to help fight against the forces of darkness coming against me personally. Yet during the whole battle, I never doubted his love.

There are still so many pieces to put together regarding this dream. As for what he said to me: “You ordered the Greece.” I think it will take time to reveal the meaning, but perhaps some of the interlinear work I’ve been doing in the bible may be the key to unlocking my way forward.

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Categories: Interlinear, On Faith, On Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

I AM Enough

I’m going to admit it…this summer has been extremely difficult.  From the date that my parents’ divorce was finalized on May 4th, for 77 days there have been a bevy of crises that have turned my world upside down.  Every area of my life that I identified as safe was stripped and revealed to be in turmoil.  Pain pushed in on every side of my life, some of it was happening to me, and some of it I created out of reaction to being squeezed so hard.

This has been an arduous process of opening the dusty boxes in my life that haven’t been touched in years and playing keep-it-throw-it-away with things that I’ve been holding onto for so long.  All of it needed to be thrown away and cast down at the feet of Jesus.

It wasn’t until last week, upon the 77th day, that my best friend and God-given mate, my wife Caitlin spoke a tremendous truth into my life that gave everything perspective. Fully at the bottom and fully broken, we spent a full morning in prayer together and in confession and forgiveness with each other and before Jesus.  And while she has been on this journey with me this summer, she also has been going through her own process of cleaning out her own boxes. In fact we’ve been helping each other; helping to heal each other.  That morning I cried to God for mercy; to halt the onslaught of warfare in my life. And He spoke through Caitlin, revealing that everything falling down around me was affecting me so hard because I had believed a horrible, pernicious lie. It’s a lie that I’ve believed for years and had been fully sown into the fabric of my being: “I am not enough.”

Where did this lie come from?  The actual question is—where does it NOT come from? We live in a constant meritocracy that informs us we are not enough unless we have the right jobs, make the right-sized paycheck, raise flawless children, drive the correct car and live in the right house.  Then there’s also the unhealthy family patterns that follow us…you know the ones where we feel coerced into trying to make everyone happy for the sake of being the “happy family” and so we continue to strive and perform but it never seems to be enough?  And on top of that even church can sometimes add to the stress by pushing to serve here, joining a small group there, and then at the end of the service don’t forget to drop a check in the bag on your way out.  Any of this sound familiar?  The truth is that any and all of these things can reinforce the idea that “I am not enough.”

Upon peeling back the stinging, oniony layers of this deep lie, and not without a small amount of tears shed in the process—was a beautiful and multi-folded truth to replace it.  I AM ENOUGH!  I am enough as a loving husband. I am enough as a compassionate father. I am enough at a job that feels like it takes me for granted. I am enough when filled with joy. I am enough when scorched by pain. I am enough when I forgive others and I am enough when I ask forgiveness, whether it is given or not. I am enough even when other people don’t see it and I am enough even when I have a hard time believing it.  And I am enough because I was created with divine love by God, the same God who loves me enough to surrender his own life upon a cross so that I can be in relationship with his triune and beautiful self forever!

The most beautiful and amazing part of the revelation is simply this—every time I speak the words “I am enough,” then it is also true that I’m simultaneously speaking God’s holiest and most precious name: I AM.  And in reaffirming that truth, what I’m actually saying is “God is enough.”

I AM enough = GOD is enough.

So my friends, as you all go forward, through all of your ups and downs, remember to reaffirm to yourself at least once a day “I am enough” because you are actually stating “God is enough.”  And when God is enough then our joys are that much sweeter, our trials are much less daunting, and the world’s lies fall apart right before our very eyes.

SED EGO DIGREDIENDUM

Post Script: Why the focus on 77 days you ask?  It was my wise and lovely wife who pointed out the connection to the exact amount of time from crisis point to revelation and what Jesus spoke of in Matthew 18:21-22 (NIV) when Peter asked how many times should he forgive another, and Jesus answered 77 times (and in other translations it reads as seventy-times-seven).  It has been exactly 77 days of forgiveness toward healing in so many broken areas.  I’ve learned how to offer forgiveness freely and ask for it in return.  I’ve also learned how to forgive myself, and that itself is world-changing.

Categories: On Faith | Tags: , , , , , , | 4 Comments

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